China Daily Show
March 25, 2015
The following is an excerpt from a speech made to an emergency meeting of the Politburo Standing Committee regarding the current crisis in Hong Kong:
Xi Jinping: photo taken on Blue Sky Day
Many of you were hoping to spend the next few weeks visiting your mistresses and estates in France. Instead, you have been dragged out of bed at four in the morning, for which I make no apologies.
These are tough times, comrades. Not just for me, but for all eight of us.
Once again, China faces a threat from one of its greatest enemies – Chinese people.
Certain ungrateful mongrels in Hong Kong are calling for so-called “universal suffrage.” They are demanding that we honor promises our leaders agreed to 17 years ago. But if we cave in to their demands, then what next – we have to agree to all our promises?
If that happens, it may lead to our worst possible nightmare: Having to make some actual changes. This cozy country would inevitably descend into complete chaos. I’m talking rule of law, free speech… cats sleeping with dogs.
We’ve already seen this tragedy afflict our brethren in Taiwan. These days, they cannot even sign a simple trade agreement, giving us de facto control over much of the Taiwanese economy, without the islanders stirring up trouble.
Now, imagine if ISIS conspired with Scholarism to hijack our Internet comments section. Or if foreign NGOs were infected with a new form of Ebola that guides public opinion.
That is why we must always be prepared to indiscriminately kill hundreds in the fight against Islam or Ebola, because that usually happens in the middle of nowhere and we can just deny and cover it up.
However, the ‘democracy’ is a more pervasive kind of virus. Its symptoms include severe ailments to governance, such as ‘free speech’ and ‘representation,’ which directly undermine our key values of subterfuge and autocracy.
Our uniquely democratic system is like the sunshine from a blue sky, in that you rarely see either in China. Since ancient times, we have interpreted the people’s will on their behalf – so when mistakes are occasionally made, they only have themselves to blame.
It has been proved that all other kinds of political rule are completely incompatible with China, as they threaten that which we prize above all else: Screw stability, I’m talking about our jobs here.
Gentlemen, thank you for your time. Now, go bust some heads.
